A friend who is Bipolar has helped me tremendously when it comes to trying to have a relationship with a person who has this mental illness.
Personal insights have great value; so do informative professional articles that can give me a handle on physical, neurological, chemical, psychological issues that relate to Bipolar symptoms, diagnoses, treatments, prognoses, and coping skills.
Another useful tool for those of us who have in our lives, our 'inner circles', those whose afflictions also afflict us are the stories of others who have been, and currently are, in our same boat. It is here we find real life people, just like us, who are going through similar (if not worse) versions of our own lives.
Every story is different; every story contains the same basic elements; every story brings something to the table that one or another of us might find a good use for.
What I've gleaned so far from what I've learned is that :
1) while you love the dickens out of the person you are not required to love every last little thing about them; and
2) it's up to you to draw your lines regarding what you can and will accept and what you can't and won't; and
3) it's up to you to enforce those lines - walk away when they're crossed; and
4) it is not up to you to tend to the diagnosis, treatment plan, or follow through choices of the other person - that is entirely up to them, it's their choice to make and to stick to; and
5) you only have four cheeks to turn - two on your face and two on your backside ... in other words, continuing to turn another cheek when yours are already so bruised that you can neither see clearly nor sit in comfort is not only going to put bruises on your bruises but isn't helping the situation in the least; and
6) you are not their therapist, pharmacist, behavior modification professional, or punching bag - you are their friend or their relative - your place in their life is not diagnosis-dependent; and
7) their progress or lack thereof does not belong to you ... their battles are their own to wage, their weapons are their own to wield - and so are yours - when it comes right down to it, your most useful piece of equipment will be your shield; and
8) a strategic retreat is called for when your shield isn't enough - when you go in as an ally only to be attacked, you are not required to stick around and let the bruises accumulate - and the time may come that all-out flight as a means of self-preservation is necessary.
Those who are sick might be in need of my support, and I give it as best I can, ... but ... if I'm bruised and broken, if my shield and armor are no longer protecting me, if I'm going down in battle ... I'm not going to be able to do them any good, nor anyone else either (myself included).
See, the thing is that caring for others is what I do. The fact that I'm a 'lowly CNA' speaks pretty clearly to that fact. The other person's health and well-being has always taken precedence over my own. That's a sweet sentiment and all that but it isn't very effective when it comes right down to it. If in the course of caring for a whole bunch of others' needs my own are neglected, I'm going to crash and burn eventually.
If I allow the 'needs' of one person to drain me, bruise me, break me, burn me - what about all of the others who depend on me? What about my own self, you know, the one who is supposed to be doing all this care-giving? That's the person who is supposed to be at the top of the 'take care of' list else all the others are going to be minus someone who can and will care for them.
If I go down in battle, that's one less to carry on with the fight. So it's not simply a case of selfish self-preservation here. There are those whom I cannot and will not risk.
Back to topic - if the sick person or persons in my life are actively and successfully working with a team of professionals, chances are an occasional strategic retreat will be plenty to ensure survival; if not, yes I will have to say goodbye - because I will not spend myself in a needless and fruitless battle that has no chance of doing anyone any good.
So how many war wounds are required before you give up and run for your life? How many 'second chances' do you give a person before you have to say 'enough is enough' and crawl off the stage in flames? How many cycles of abuse have to be turned before it becomes obvious that it's time to jump off of the merry-go-round?
One of my areas of training is in the field of Domestic Violence. Life that includes a Bipolar person reminds me of that - the cycles, the revolving nature of it all, the 'round and 'round thing, the sweetness followed by spates of hateful and hurtful behavior - and the breaking of the cycle isn't all that different, not really. If treatment plans aren't followed, and followed through on; if behaviors continue to be abusive despite intervention techniques and training; if that 'round and 'round thing keeps right on spinning; if you're still being attacked by someone you're there to help - well - the time comes for 'Goodbye'.
All you can do is the best you can do, my friend. If it hasn't worked by now it probably never will. The proof of the pudding is in the eating; if behaviors haven't changed in the course of several decades, guess what.
At this time in my life, I'm running out of what it takes to keep fighting a battle that can't be won.
If you find that offensive ... spend a few decades in the shoes I've been wearing for forty years or more ... then tell me what you find offensive. That I'm 'quitting', 'giving up', 'running away', 'cowardly', 'selfish', 'judgmental', 'uncaring' ... ? I personally find it offensive that I've been about four decades slow on the uptake. That makes me feel stupid, naive, wasteful, and self-destructive. Either way, I'm just about at the end of my rope.
Here are a few of the posts from one of the references my friend gave me. There are lots of things like this on line but these will give you a good idea about perspectives I think. There's no way I would willingly trade shoes with anyone who's afflicted by Bipolar, never in this life. I have the utmost respect and admiration for my friend who is fighting (and generally winning) battles, day by day by day and sometimes hour by hour by hour, and still finding what it takes to share weapons and shields with me.
Unfortunately, that can't apply to all others. No, I wouldn't want to trade places - although the 'I Can Be As Mean As I Want Because I'm Sick' card has a certain appeal - who would be able to tell if I was having a sick day or just being a hateful bitch because I didn't get my way?
But no - the words that come out of my mouth are mine to own, sick or not. Since I'm not sick, I am the responsible party. Part of that responsibility is that I have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.
Go HERE for an article about Excuses for Bad Behavior.
And this one talks abut coping with the after-effects of leaving someone who has a mental illness.
No comments:
Post a Comment