DIFFICULT PEOPLE

2012 SEPTEMBER 4 DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Any words of ‘wisdom’ on this topic are bound to be interpreted as egocentric and patronizing.

I’ll forge ahead anyway. 

Every single one of us humans has a uniquely individual reality in which we spend our lives. 

Regardless of the fact that we all live in the same world and our world is sub-worlded many times into smaller and smaller worlds until it comes down to just us as individual persons, each and all of us have an inherent belief that all those bigger worlds revolve around ME. 

Like sand thrown into a still pond, each grain creates its own ripples.  They all intersect but to that particular grain of sand the originating point is ME. 

That’s just the way it is, has been, will be. 

Having no other possible perspective, we each live our lives from our point of origination and all the circles rippling out can ONLY be seen from our own individual perspective.  We literally CAN’T get past that.  Nobody can, no matter how sensitive or compassionate or understanding they may become as to the facts of others’ situations. 

Every last one of us is essentially egocentric.

Even knowing that, and accepting it, it’s still incredibly challenging to try to cope when someone else’s ripples intersect ours, creating cross-currents that can throw our personal views out of kilter. 

We fully expect that the other person has a world-view that matches our own – while recognizing the fact that they CAN’T have the SAME view that we do, we still absolutely believe that they do, or at least OUGHT to.  If they don’t accommodate our belief, there’s obviously something wrong with them. 

Unfortunately, such is not the case. 

The only point of reference they have is their own, just as our only point of reference is our own. 

When we run across a person whose ripples would normally intersect ours only barely peripherally (as in their background is vastly different from our own and in the usual course of life events we would rarely if ever cross paths) and we are thrown into a situation in which we HAVE to spend significant time with them, conflicts and clashes may well occur.  It’s to be expected. 

Even when backgrounds match as closely as possible, clashes and conflicts occur.  The probability of such occurrences among those who have almost NOTHING in common is exponentially increased. 

I’m no expert on this subject, but it seems to me that one way to minimize at least some of the effects of world-view conflict is to give the people involved something significant to share, a common goal for those who have nothing else in common. 

If people share a common interest, a goal for which they can work together, the differences in their outlooks and attitudes which may cause conflict may well become strong assets.  What one person may not even think about considering as a solution to a problem may spring from the mind of another whose background has produced a different way of looking at problems. 

The point is that diversity can be a good thing.

In my inexpert opinion, the key to the whole thing is that everyone involved be ready, willing, and able to understand, accept, and implement the concept. 

Given that each and all of us are inherently self-centered, even getting that far can be a challenge.

 Like it or not, EVERYONE believes deep down inside that THEIR way is the best way, the most logical way, perhaps the ONLY way to approach EVERYTHING.  From religion to politics to the workplace to daily life, it seems to me that this belief causes more trouble than anything else.  Convincing any of us otherwise is often a lesson in futility. 

None of us REALLY wants to admit that someone else’s ideas may be better than our own.  We’ll dig in our heels and refuse to see the merits of someone else’s way of doing things even when the results are right in front of our eyes.  Even if we DO admit it, we’ll insist that just because it might work for THEM certainly WE are not going to try it their way.  It goes against our grain. 

And so the story goes.  What is supposed to be teamwork is undermined and it’s always the other person’s fault.  If they can’t or won’t see and do things MY way, they’re in the wrong.   

Most of the time, although certainly not all of the time, nobody’s wrong, and compromise is called for. 

Sometimes, if a person’s belief, choices, and/or actions are potentially or actually harm-producing, compromise would be a dangerous option.  

That’s when one has to take a stand and hold it.  Those situations are not the ones we’re talking about here; although personality conflicts in any group of people can and do cause harm to everyone involved, they are not likely to be an immediate physical threat to most of the people in the equation.

In any given work setting there are going to be any number of differing backgrounds culminating in any number of conflicting opinions about how things ought to be done. 

When it comes to trying to figure out how best to cope with difficult people, remember that you too are a factor in the equation.  While you’re looking at everyone else as being difficult, they are without doubt viewing you in the same way. 

One bit of experience comes in handy for me more times than I like to think about:  

Choose your battles.

Every last little daily event does NOT have to be a power struggle.  

If whatever the issue is does not involve the loss of life or limb or sanity, go ahead and just give in.  It isn’t going to cost you anything in the long run and will give the other person a perhaps rare and needed sense of ‘victory’. 

Be always well aware that doing so might earn you a reputation for being ‘easy’ or ‘weak’ or a ‘pushover’.  This status will last right up until that first time (or maybe the second time, as the first might be a fluke) something comes up that is important enough for you to take a stand about. 

When the time comes you had better be prepared to say what you mean and mean what you say.  You had better be prepared to back up what you say with solid, and I mean SOLID, reasons for saying it or even thinking it in the first place.  If you aren’t prepared, keep your mouth shut until you ARE.  I know that’s easier said than done, but do it anyway.

Most of the time all that’s required when it comes to de-fusing a difficult situation is simply listening to what the person has to say, taking into consideration where they’re coming from, and making sure they know that you’re HEARING whatever it is that they are really wanting to SAY, which is not necessarily exactly pertinent to the words coming out of their mouths.  Echo, repeat, paraphrase – do whatever it takes to be sure they know you’re listening and understanding what they’re trying to tell you.  You have to learn to do this without being confrontational, demeaning, or defensive.  It is NOT EASY.    

Granted, this approach takes more time and patience than many people are willing to invest. 

This next bit is going to sound like the most hypocritical thing you’ve ever heard. 

More often than not you’re going to FEEL like spouting off, being rude right back to a rude person, arguing, and emphatically stating your opinion about whatever’s going on.  Don’t do it.  Even if you feel like smacking someone upside their idiot head, smile and be polite.  You don’t have to MEAN it; you just have to DO it.  While you may certainly not be the least bit interested in whatever’s ailing the other person, you DO have a vested interest in trying to maintain at least a semblance of civility. 

And as I’m rapidly approaching 1500 words in what was supposed to be a short little essay I’m going to see if I can come up with some kind of conclusion here.

I reckon the bottom line is that each and all of us are difficult people.  We all come with the built in handicap of being human; thus we all suffer the ramifications of being inherently egocentric.  Because we can only see the world in our OWN way, it behooves us to bear in mind that everyone else is in the same boat.  We need to be cutting each other some slack, not to mention giving ourselves a break from feeling guilty about being imperfect. 

We may not always FEEL nice, but we can always ACT nice. 

Our personal opinions are not the be all and end all.  We need to actively LISTEN to others. 

Choose your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff.  Clichés though they are, they make sense.

Remember the rules:  Safety, Respect, Kindness

That’s it.