I have several pieces sitting in DRAFT form, which I won't put out into my blog until a little later.
I've also done a couple of poems, not really related to the drafts
except in the sense that there is a sort of emotional connection, as there is in most things.
Essentially, I've been learning to look at myself. My perception of myself and the perceptions of others as I read them.
For a LONG time, people have come right out and asked me how come I'm so happy all the time. For the longest time I didn't understand what they were talking about because I didn't necessarily FEEL all that happy at any given time. Yet that was what they were seeing and feeling. Where was it coming from?
One time I was sitting with a group of evangelical-pentacostal-charismatic type people. They were mostly strangers to me except for one or two. I was sitting kind of at the end of the group, near one of the people I knew fairly well, and someone toward the other end looked at him and said she could feel peace radiating from him. He looked a little surprised but didn't say anything although he gave me a sideways 'look'. I, of course, didn't say anything either.
Later he approached me and said, 'It was YOU, wasn't it?' I don't think I either confirmed or denied, but I didn't have to because he knew.
I HAD 'sent' him some peace right about then, because he had seemed to be getting a little agitated inside.
BUT ... it wasn't ME at all.
And this I MUST make clear: It was NOT ME.
Yes he got a dose of peace, but it didn't come from me. It no doubt came THROUGH me, but it did not ORIGINATE within me.
I think that, sometimes, the Holy Spirit does not choose the most direct route, that's what I think.
I have been blessed with a kind of calming serenity that underlies and overrides even the most anguished times. It's not something I generate within myself and there have been times I have almost lost contact with it - but it's there always and ALWAYS it will assert itself. I can only ascribe it to the Holy Spirit, having no other possible source that I can identify it as emanating from.
As the Spirit abides in me, and in you for that matter, I think She (and yes, for some reason I have the sense of female when anyone mentions the Holy Spirit, not sure why; maybe because I think the Trinity ought to have a girl in it too, who knows?) might choose to deposit a large quantity of peace in any one of us at any given time.
That way it's available to others when they need it.
This is pure speculation, of course, because nobody knows how it all works.
At any rate, if a person has a big hunk of peace in them, and another person needs some, it makes sense for them to draw it from the nearest available source. You would THINK that the Spirit would just dose them up directly but it doesn't seem always to be that way, as in the case I just mentioned. It could also be that the person blessed with great peace may also be given discernment about another, to see their need and 'send' them some, whether they realize they need it or not. Or maybe it's just a nudge for them to recognize the peace they already have within themselves; I honestly have no idea and expect I never will understand.
At any rate, to get back to the incident of the group thing ... the leaders of the group were recruiting from among those of us who seek spiritual community.
Me, I didn't find in them a spiritual community in which I felt comfortable, although others may well have. Then again, I'm not one to find comfort in just about any community, spiritual or otherwise. I don't know why, but there you have it.
In my eyes, spirituality is not a showcase.
These people were telling us that THEY could TEACH us how to be spiritual, so to speak, how to speak in tongues, how to acquire the different gifts of the Spirit, etc.
Me, I was sitting there taking all this in, as I do, and wondering what on earth they were going on about.
If you want to seek the Spirit, you do it in the solitude of your own soul.
When the Spirit seeks YOU, well ... guess what. She may or may not put others to work on Her behalf but I can pretty well guarantee that NOBODY has the authority to USE the Spirit as tool to advance their own personal agenda.
Now obviously somebody in that group had the sensitivity to pick up on that peaceful easy feeling.
I'm NOT saying that they were all a bunch of charlatans because that's not for me to even have an opinion about.
All I'm saying is that what I picked up on at that meeting was that someone was wanting to serve their own ends somehow, and it didn't sit too well with me to have the Spirit/gifts trotted out for inspection as though you could pick and choose what you wanted and they would provide you with it.
Seems to me that it's not our place to decide such things and we'd maybe best just leave it to the Spirit to do Her own job.
I wanted to say something of the sort but didn't - lest my words interfere with some other's good. Because, even though it didn't fit in with MY ideas or MY needs, the needs of others might have been being met in some way. And so I remained silent, which no doubt actually said a lot in its own way.
When they did their little ritual thing where everyone stands up and goes to them for blessings or whatever, they were some surprised when I didn't fall over at their first little nudge like everyone else did - so they pushed me again, and then again somewhat harder.
I did NOT fall over but looked the guy who was doing the pushing straight in the eye and walked away under my own power - so to speak.
Not too sure what that guy saw in my eyes but I have my hunches. He backed off a step or two.
Now the Spirit has knocked me to my knees on a regular basis and had me face down on the floor a time or two - but NOBODY's going to PUSH me down without Her say-so, not in Her name! I figure if the Spirit had wanted me to go down right then it wouldn't have taken anybody else's push to make it happen.
As for all that other stuff they were pushing, I reckon some good might have come out of it, if only in the educational area.
I DO realize that not all of us are made the same; we have different needs and God has appropriate methods of meeting those needs.
I do, however, believe that, at least for me, if I have a question for God the thing for me to do is ASK HIM.
And then leave it up to Him how and when and where to answer.
I have to say - sometimes it takes a while.
I doubt that it takes a while for Him to answer.
What I'm saying is that sometimes it takes a while for me to RECOGNIZE that answer!
Sometimes it's a matter of recognizing that we are gifted with certain things for a REASON - that maybe, just maybe, it isn't a random hodgepodge.
Maybe sometimes our ability to recognize answers is geared to coincide with the proper time to USE gifts that have been developing in the interim.
Who knows? Not me.
All I know right now is that if a smile on my face and a song out of my mouth makes someone happy when they need that happiness, it's all to the good.
A couple of times people have told me that seeing me happy gives them hope that all the 'happy' in the world isn't gone after all.
So doesn't that make it worth it?
Doesn't that make it worth it for me to smile and sing even when I don't FEEL particularly happy at the moment?
Because, you have to remember, that comforting serenity IS STILL THERE, even when I don't feel it!
Maybe that's what all those people have been picking up on for all these years, I don't know. If so, it's a good thing.
Usually when they ask I just say, 'Well, it's better than being miserable, isn't it?'
You see, the miserable is temporary; the serenity is always.
And in case you're curious, no it isn't just me.
It's everyone.
Each and all of us.
When times are bad and life is hard and there are pins and needles and nails and knives and swords and spears and machetes of nasty feelings flying all over the place in our world, or in our own little part of it, or inside our own selves, it's a comfort to remember that.
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