Today is, hopefully, going to be a day of rest and recuperation with maybe a little research thrown in.
It's been a rough week; between being sick but having to go in to my job anyway, losing (again) someone dear to me but not able to grieve (again), bitterly cold temperatures, and it being the deepest and darkest part of the year (this time right around Winter Solstice) ... yeah it's been a rough one.
That having been said, here comes 'the rest of the story' !!
Phone calls from my daughters, a little road trip with my sister, and getting to work with a couple of my most favorite colleagues ... all help to balance things out!
For the past few years, at right about this time, my sister Mary has taken me along with her for a day trip to shop and just kick back a little. It's not a major thing, but breaks the stress partly BECAUSE it's not a major thing. (Which, in my ever-lovin' complicatin' contemplatin' INFJ mind, MAKES it a very major thing indeed!)
Communication with my daughters is without a doubt the greatest joy of my life; fortunately for me, they're frequent callers!
And having people I can trust to get me through the emotionally draining parts of my part-time job (CNA at a nursing home) has been a life-saver more than a few times. I don't really have a problem coping with the physical demands - I'm strong, flexible, and not squeamish - but there's no coping skill that effectively addresses the grief of loss when someone I've come to care deeply for, whether it be over the course of years or even just a few days, 'leaves'. I find it hard to even say the word 'dies' although that's what it means. It hits me like a sledge hammer every time - AND it doesn't help that I'm a 'sensitive'. Not only do I have my own reaction to try to cope with, but I pick up on every other emotion that's in the air. I can't fend them all off, no matter how hard I try.
So, sometimes, I just need a day to weep.
I think today might be a day for that.
Research on line will take my thoughts onto productive paths; and if, once in a while, I need to take a break from it because I'm weeping, that's okay. My keyboard and screen aren't going to give me funny looks on account of it.
For the past couple of days I've avoided looking into mirrors.
You know why?
Because of what I'll see: tears un-shed making my eyes shiny, and their color going to the dark green of grief only to change back to the bright blue of intense emotion. I feel it all; I don't need a visual reminder to top it off - so I don't look. A futile gesture perhaps, but there you have it.
And, you know, solstice IS right around the corner! In just a few days now this long dark will turn the corner and the daylight hours will begin again to grow, one minute at a time!
Speaking of TIME, it's time for me to get back to 487 AD.
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